Just another deletion; just another phase of life.

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Life is too short without Starbucks.

Coffee – caffeine; it has been introduced into my life ever since I was 6. This dark little liquid kept my dear life all these while. Sometimes I wonder, do I love a good cup of coffee or the talks I had with coffee? Perhaps it is just the aroma of coffee reminds me how the talks, the day, the good ones that I had – got me hanging. I couldn’t identify.

Something is changing and nothing really changes at the moment. I changed –  or I just have more of my multi-personality to play with.  I became diplomatic in college, be the nice little girl, the bold leading girl. I walked away from some party friends in my life – or so to say my previous life. All of these goodbyes are wearing me down, I realized that I am growing up all these while, but I don’t actually want to. It’s a little tiring to say goodbye to friends, everyone is leaving me. I am making new ones but they do not really know who I am.

It feels miserable. I guess to really move on in life – I were to delete the pictures we had, you and everyone. I just removed the forum we held on so lovingly for 4 years. Everyone needs to move on.

I loved all of you, Issac, Arle,  (U), Zheng, JN, Keith, Xavier, Ang Ang, Kyan, Rex, Blue, Ron, Jo, Darren, Zero, Ziraun, Georgie and everyone in the past.

I am sorry for holding on to a falling, shaky bridge.

This time, I am saying goodbye first.

Thanks for being part of my life.

 

Time doesn’t change things, you have to do it yourself.

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On my first page of the story, I was alone, not to mention that I am a – fledgling, naive, quiet girl.

As far as I could tell, Virgo are meant to be introvert and naturally shy. Not too long after that I noticed, it is not horoscope that defines who I am, I know the fact is, deep-rooted in me, it is that that statement is only true if I agreed upon it and act like one.

Constantly I fight that part of me. I battle the other me churning inside me, waiting to be unleashed. I do not want to strike anyone as shy, so I play my ‘Being Cool’ card instead. Little did I am aware of, slowly this new me freezes over. It became me. Shadows won and light is gone.

I don’t always try to be cool. Sometimes I have to be cool because being hyped-up and delirious about everything – as ordinary as pancakes, macaroons, and marshmallow (urgh.) just annoy the hell out of (me and so I presumed.) everyone. There, I said it. Some other moody days, it was said that I radiate this legendary royal purple aura to the world announcing ‘ I am better left alone today, do not attempt to make conversation. ” Fine, I am childish for lashing out at people who care about me at times. However, in my defence, people in generally do not know me and they asked too much of me. I am absolutely fine to be abandoned in my little dead cornered place to weep silently for God knows what shits and to me, your concern becomes the burden.

I am not a sharing person. If I have the urge of how I feel toward certain matters or person, I would tell you. Don’t probe, not every girl appreciates being cuddle in your manly arm and hear you say ” It’s alright, I am here for you babe. ” But then again, I am not just some girl.

Here goes nothing.

Here’s me.

I’d never be accounted as a popular/confident person. I certainly do appreciate being commented as confident but I am not. I just have a lot of cock pride and self-esteem. I don’t wallow and dispirit myself. I love being me – the way I am. My style, my speech, my looks. I love all of them. So when you are someone better than me in every ways, I just do not fancy you telling me your humble speech about How Ugly I Am/How Dumb I Am 101 theory.

However, this whole college life thing has got me on the surfboard. Now that I am acclimatizing, it’s best I input to be diplomatic, beaming confidence and be generally nice.

I lied. That’s what I am allegedly told to be, the snarky and mean me just wouldn’t obliged.

That’s why I said, here goes nothing. Cause I know I’ll never able to accomplish a fruitful result from the two ‘ Me’s.

Off to Game of Thrones.

We all hope to be back in time; to have choices again.

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Hello.

It’s feeling foreign back here again. Please, please tell me someone has missed me, if not I’ll stop blogging for a longer run.

To be very frank, on the contrary of what I promised, I told myself not to blog so often. Whenever a wave of inspiration hits, I just keep telling myself I have no time/tomorrow/some other day. The guilt has been so consuming I do not even have the spunk to come here and explain to all of the supporters of www.icexgz.wordpress.com.

I just did. Am I gutsy or what? (Get over it.)

This post is solely gonna be on working life.

I am not going to brag about how I strut in the VIP Ambassador tee around PWTC as if I am the V.I.P himself. (I just did.) Nor am I gonna tell you I met a group of well-being and awesome colleagues for DSA 2012. (Opps, I did it again.)

Jokes aside, even though it really has been an eye-opener to have a glance on all the latest electronic warfare, electronic devices, big-bad-bully helicopters and jet, marine ships, guns and et cetera, what I learnt isn’t about killing people.

It’s something entirely different working as some other part-time usherers or counter-girl. I met delegations all over the world and I have understand the practical means of what I heard all these times theoretically. Well, it’s not like they make trades under-the-table but I just witness the dealings of an utterly different base. Hello, we are not talking about some man in suit buying fried noodles from the mamak stall.

I do not know if I am describing this piece of information correctly but I just felt I have learnt many things but it just came so naturally so I have not even a strip of idea how to express myself.

Perhaps it’s the writers’ block or the fact that DSA 2012 passed long ago and things just don’t stay afresh in  my mind anymore.

(5 minutes later.)

OH YES, I think I remember something I’d like to express my 2 cents about.

Don’t try to say you understand something until you have done it, experience it personally.

Like how I remembered back when I went to my librarian probate camp, the facilitator told me ” Experience it, you don’t have to hear it from me. “

Working is not easy. You have to mind the expression, the MICRO-EXPRESSION of people and learn to listen what is beneath their words.

I am not going to say after working, I am such a mature girl and I know everything. My point is that, you never try, you never know.

Everyone knows the theory of man-eat-man world. All the things your parents, seniors tell you, there. Working, they all came ridiculously true and reality.

Throughout my life, the most important lesson I have ever learn is :

Be calm. Never let things get the best of you. Once you panic, the next thing you know is everything is screwed.

Don’t say something unless you are confident enough and timing. Timing is vital keypoint.

Perhaps that explains I give off the devil-may-care attitude sometimes.

Honestly, these two qualities/lessons saved my ass.

Sigh, I should go off to watch Littleman.

P.S I read back the post and it has none of the language quality at all. I hate me, I should blog more often. Language gotten all rusty. Motha.

P.S.S CAUSE IT’S SO FUCKING BAD I AM NOT GONNA CONTINUE IT.

Bunny has long ears to hear you out;

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Life used to be a mountain.

The higher you climb, the better the view. Maybe my attention was solely on overcoming obstacles that blocking me from reaching the top, I haven’t paid a single look the twining vines. Just when I panted for breath, stopped at the moment, I looked down and discovered the laughable truth is that half of my body is paralyzed by these ghostly vines.

And so, I moved on. Knowing the treacherous summit is tricking into believing the glorious path is at its zenith. I know better. My insights widen, my mind broaden. I learn the intriguing truth that, life, can be a road.

When life decided to throw you a curve ball, swerve. When life created stormy weather and slippery pavement, don’t move. Rest and wait for the rightful opportunity to strife.

I thought I had learnt better.

Life decided to strand me elsewhere.

It leads me to the sea. There is no road to the land in view, out-of-reach.

Perhaps life is telling me, driving was no easy tasks. That game, is over. I throw the dice, roll the new movement.

It’s time to choose again, the broken ship with no sailors; or drown in darkness forever.

I am no vulnerable girl, I have known better than to cry. I wanted to throw tantrum, to kick of shoes, yell at the sea for being a bully, stamp my foot and root there.

If my life ended there, I wouldn’t be satisfied. All these years, even without toiling, they worth more than a denied access.

I participated at first, bump into a solid concrete wall, got wounded; but I am going to make it out to the end.

So I tell the sea. Even if you have deadly sharks and hazardous jellyfishes fight alongside you, I will pursuit this alone.

My life isn’t pathetic, it is not heading to anywhere but to myself; no backfiring.

Help is on the way, grateful all the same;

I, however, weary of being saved but anyone but myself.

I cut my hair, walk the stairs, pop into the ship. There; I sail.

In the night, noon the purple glow, darkness invades, I talk to my bunny, under the glistening reflection of the moon.

Solely because it has long ears and nibbles without telling me its problem. Heck, does he has any problem?

Story ended; life is resumed.

Talk the talk, lie the lie;

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Don’t live your life as if you are living someone else’ life.

I would love to scream it out and being bleary-eyed about getting my SPM (equivalent to O’ levels), do a scanning of the slip, take a photo with it, express my gratitude that stretched out so far to anyone including my high school janitors who cleaned my classroom for assisting me along the way, et cetera for such achievement. Those are too mainstream, I am more the off-beat-unique blogger.

However, here is my congratulation to every single candidates of SPM 2011 for finally, having severed ties and clear-off-coast relationship with high school. Strictly speaking, congratulation, you are old now, go and get laid and end yourself up with a baby college.

For better or worse, I do not think that slip of paper is worth your depression and time. It signify the vitality of moving on to another phase in life. Misguided people think that it’s a slip of achievement to determine everyone’s fate, perhaps more to ” If you achieve lesser than me, you are a loser. If you achieve more than me, you are lifeless. ” or in any other way proving your intelligence. Don’t get caught up, learn your lesson and move on. In my perspective, those alphabet doesn’t equivalent to the zero in your pay cheque, strife for the better, people.

Instead of staying in the past, mourning about what can’t be changed, it would be wiser to move on and eliminate the variables of your future.

I am not smart nor diligent student who has a string of A’s around my neck, but I can share my result with anyone who asked me looking gleeful and glib. Perhaps you would be opinionated about me being ignorant, but I am just contented about what I achieved. I think that’s what I deserve, it crossed out my efforts (which is almost, nil.)

This society is getting so examination orientated, it’s too unhealthy. You need people like me who would talk about her “failure” (which I certainly do not consider as.) proudly with beaming confidence.

You see, if a fib like me could stand up cockily to all the straight A’s smartass, I don’t get why a missing A or a G (fail) can bring you down.

It’s a rather strange phenomenon, once you looked down on yourself, you begin acting all depressed and everyone would think you failed everything albeit the truth is you got a B in your straight A’s slip. So don’t.

No one has the right to look down on you and render your dispirited.

Oh yes, it would be funny to admit to you readers people mistaken me as a straight A’s student for being unusually delirious for my little A’s. On the contrary, I do have some friends who has 7/8 A’s who looked like they failed several subjects.

Be proud of yourself. Step up front and set your foot into adulthood.

Life is, all about yourself.

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The truth is, I found the truth now.

Greetings, readers.

It’s been awhile since I last attempt to keep the dust from invading my personal space. Now, I am back from the dead and again, doing something seem much worthless but worthy to a worn out soul.

I guess I have been alone for too long. I get exhausted. I stopped. I do not want to move on anymore.

But, this is exactly what I was preventing happening on myself. I am not just some girls, I can’t heal the world, I can’t stop Lynas or Kony, but I can change myself. I can hold up the little part of the skies I owned, and inject some hope into myself.

” Life is all about keep fighting. “

Inspiring quote from Giddens Ko, Taiwanese writer. 

” Keep on moving, keep climbing, keep the faith. “

One of the song made me who I am now, The Climb by Miley Cyrus. 

I used to be the girl, and still am, arguing with parents on what they think is right, and what I think I am supposed to do. On certain matters, they were right, I was wrong because I have no experience in that field. That does not sum up everything.

You see, we live in a earth which spins, things tend to change or, acclimatize into the people will. Parents give the best advice, just at some point, it’s not exactly up to date.

Just like the “lies”  Billboard tell you the Greatest Selling Album Female Singer of All Time – Whitney Houston, Celine Dion, Madonna et cetera. They didn’t trick you into believing the truth of the 70′s/80′s. Just that, it was All Time, they just didn’t tell you, What Time.

But on time, priorities, life, mostly, mostly, they were right.

(You can’t believe me, I made out that bunch to explain why I didn’t blog as often. I am a big liar. I am that girl who tell my high school teacher that my bunny ate my assignments. )

Back to the all philosophical, stern me. It’s just that, as you grow up, you realize that time is prioritized to productivity. The previous me think blogging is very productive, but now equally I think reading is productive too. More importantly, ponder upon the future.

The all misty, veiled-up future. Yes, do imagine some purple shawl and grey smoke shielding a path without streetlight. That’s the whole point, you know.

Strictly speaking, I still love blogging, the passion is heck there. Just, in terms of productivity, I will blog lesser but blog better.

(I am guessing that do not undo my promise of blogging more.)

Ahh, responsibilities, don’t you think they are wonderful?

For many years you have been hedonistic, enjoying yourself. Now, fun is over, get back to life.

In a nutshell, thank you for hearing me out on giving excuses on not blogging. This post is non-essential and non-beneficial either.

Ignore me at ease.

Yes, obviously I typed it last so I would waste a chunk of your life and gain my traffic. How commercialized I am turned into.

Damn.

Jeez, good day, people!

Love letter from Juliets;

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Dear blog,

I have finally met someone, decent, up to my standards.

It blossomed like Sakura, sprinkled with winter frost, giggling at the slightest breeze.

Everything magnified and intensified when we are together. I feel like my world is just right under our feet, gravity isn’t pulling me, the way I feel towards him – stronger than meteor, brighter than fireworks, cozier than marshmellow.

Can you imagine it? He is everything I want, fulfilling all my unreasonable requirements.

It’s almost, like a dream.

Someone who would not budge when I hop into the bed, glomping him, grumbling about the usual trivial matters.

Someone who would always be there in the night to listen to me.

Someone who would utter a word even I occasionally spilled some supper scraps on his tee.

Someone who always smell nice, having the lightest mint scent all over him.

Someone who would cushion my fall, not causing it.

And I have always be thankful for him, to be there for my insanely chained nightmares.

Enough.

Can’t appreciate you more, dear pillow.

You served me well.

Teehee.

P.S This is my 650th posts, thought I should post something … different (funny).

P.S.S If you guess it right before I reveal, don’t tell me. That’s my A-class failure.

Cut all the ropes and let me fall;

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Hello, it’s me again.

As promised in Twitter (if you followed me, if you haven’t, please do – @ice_xgz) I was being hard-sell, ignore me at ease that I would update about Valentine.

Mature & Intellectual being :

Valentine is a day to celebrate love. Sure it is prioritized to your spouse, boyfriend, lover, or anyone you admire, but if you are single and too good to be in a relationship, why not celebrate it with someone you appreciate? It occurs to me that people are keep making trolls pictures/9gag (the next big thing)/memes about Singletines and Forever Alone, I was very baffled.

If you are  an orphan, having no friends at all, live on an isolated island like Robinson Crusoe, please go ahead and moan about your Forever Alone status. But if you are not, snap out of it.

It is as obvious it’s the gimmick of Chocolatiers and Florist to make a fortune on this festive, as cliché as it seems, celebrate it with your family. It’s not that you have to post a romantic dinner/you holding a bouquet of roses to prove that you are wanted and had a splendid night with your boyfriend/girlfriend. I know. There are even desperate people who would go through the measure of buying themselves roses. Heck, I see that as self-appreciation. To be frank, I would sign off the card with my own name and a lovely message stated ” Thank you for being so awesome in 18 years and still going on! I love you! “

If you wanted to do something, make sure it’s complete and spunky. No point repeating whatever someone already did, do it big.

On the other note, I simply could not comprehend the 13rd of February receiving just as much attention as 14th. Apparently, on the internet, there was this rampage going on 13rd is the AFFAIRS DAY. It’s the day to celebrate your Valentine’s Day with your boy/girlfriend if you have a wife/husband, or just more girlfriendsss and boyfriendssss.

Two-timing just simply unacceptable to me, personally. I mean, one could never love two people simultaneously. Either you loved none or you loved the second one, because you really did loved the first one, you wouldn’t have fallen for the second one.

That’s it, just my two cents.

Personal :

Before I go giggles like a little fan girl fantasizing about the Big Man, I need to state this.

I spent my Valentine’s Day with George Carson, problem?

We are both single, and he is my best mate. :D

It wasn’t in the plan that I gave him the big nudge in the morning, it’s a great surprise and amazingly romantic, if you could just minus the annoying tag-alongs … provided if we are a real couple.

Anyway, I would skip all the unnecessary procedure how he lied bringing me to classy restaurants for dinner (he cooked for me himself <3), have a glamorous table set (no candles, fortunately), how we dined in football jerseys (me) and grey cotton singlet (him), how he played my favourite songs with his guitar, how he kissed my forehead as a … protest to Issac (long story, involve 3 fine hours of Skype), how he was being such a great companion.

There, I did a summary for you.

I just wanted to say, in plain English, I simply appreciate George Carson being my great bro. I know you sure can go out to club and pick up any girl, I know it’s because of Issac. I just wanna say thank you, really. Words, at this point, failed me miserably.

Aite. Love you!

It’s my first Valentine without Issac. I am doing great, moving on! Maybe just not as great. I love you too, bro. :)

P.S Georgie called Darren the Dashing –> Darren the Donkey.

P.S.S Darren the Dashing called George the Gorgeous –> George the Goofy.

No point reading this post if you are not Issac or Georgie.

And it’s fucking obvious I typed that last so even you are not Issac or Georgie you would read it.

Hard-sell. Heh.

Happy Valentine’s, even if it’s over.

Resolution 2012, be true.

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Greetings, readers.

I have always been questioned, ” Why do you like blogging so much? “

I tell those folks, I like words, they express me. It’s my way of keeping tracks of all the events happening around me. I enjoy reading my posts too. I guess, this is my pensieve. When my thoughts get muddling up and baffling, I choose to share it here, at www.icexgz.wordpress.com. Just to relieve myself.

Note : Pensieve is an instrument to store your memories (in a silvery liquid form) to ease you up or for you to examine it at your leisure. Only exist in Harry Potter, though.

And no, I didn’t wikipedia for that definition. Aren’t I a geek? :D

I just remembered that I haven’t posted my resolutions here. This year is by far, the most erratic year. So, here goes.

  • Be myself.
I know right, it’s silly to have this as resolution. I mean, how can one not being herself? Well, I just mean to, retain all of myself and not changing for somebody. Well, I believe people don’t change. They adapt and acclimatize. One does not simply change themselves. However, I do hope I would adapt for the better. Like, adapt my mom’s cooking. Gotta need it soon.
  • Drive legally.
It wouldn’t be new to you if you are a regular reader of www.icexgz.wordpress.com. I am 17, a driver – without license. Shh, no reports. I need to learn it, very soon. It’s not like how it used to be, WANT to learn it. Now, it’s NEEDED.
  • 800 posts.
I achieved 500 posts last year. It’s 600+ now. That was my 2011′s resolution. No, I didn’t check back what I wrote for 2011. I think, I only achieved that and that’s the only one I remembered anyway. My old resolutions used to be big things or dreams that I gave up halfway because I resist changes. Anyway, let’s hope I crap write more.
  • Try out new colours.
I never liked bright and annoyingly striking colours. Funny, coming from the girl who highlight her hair in red streaks. Anyway, this is achieved by wearing some different colours shirt. My closet was rumbled with white/creamy/black clothes. Used to.  
  • Keep my old friends.
I guess I never got the guts to broadcast this. I never knew I would be on close-terms with my elementary school friends. Once I left the school, I was absolutely sure I wouldn’t remember their names anymore. But hell, they are great and we keep in touch a lot. That brings me to the point. I am graduated from high school now, I don’t know what lies in the future. I just know, I need to keep them around.
  • Try out new food.
Maybe I would strikeout this this Friday. Have a big feast coming up.
  • Earn my own pocket money.
I am 18 already. If you are not strict with birthdays. I am not one of those lucky, born-rich girls, but my life is fortunately cozy enough. I get what I need and sometimes, what I want. I am not going to be one of the spoiled brats keep extending their hands to their parents for eternally. Ambitious? Pretty much.
  • Achieve something I haven’t.
It’s a wide scope. I mean, if you aren’t ambitious enough. It could be training Charlie NOT TO poop outside the cage. On the contrary, it could be, saving the world et cetera. I just hope I would achieve something new I haven’t.
  • Read the 60 books on my rack.
This is the tricky one. I mean, my book shopping usually keep replenish the Waiting-To-Be-Read list. Sigh. At least, 70% of it? Uhmm, you bet.
I am not going to deny it. I don’t speak fluent English. I used to speak fluent Mandarin. Now that I have almost finish reading China the New Economics Superpowers. The urge to brushing up these two languages rooted deep within me.
  • Learn up a new hobby/skill/language.
For hobby, I wanted to learn Ice Hockey. Solely because it’s meant for guys and it’s violent. For God’s sake, I don’t know where did I get that idea, it seems impossible anyway. So, I come up with back-up plans. I wanna learn some really good speaking skills, that kind of person who has it, when they talk, it’s impossible to ignore them. Not just because of charisma. If possible, I wanna learn Hokkien. It’s bothering me for ages for not be able to understand it. D:
  • Be more independent.
This is sort-of related with my first two resolution. There is a major change coming into my life soon. Not gonna reveal it until it’s officially confirmed. I just need to grow up.
  • Care for people who cared for me.

I realized I have been a ungrateful prick. So now, tell me you care for me, then I’ll care about you!

Ahh, the ecstacy of blogging.

It’s coming back.

I shall end this post with a nice quote by Dr.Julius Kane in the Red Pyramid – Kane Chronicles Series.

They believe each morning begins not just a new day, but a new world.

On Egyptian beliefs.

Yup, definitely keeping that belief.

 

 

Dear Hades, banish Zeus and Poseidon to hell for a family reunion?

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Happy Lunar New Year to whoever who celebrates it, and to whoever who doesn’t, happy holidays.

Back to the intelligent, questioning, always thinking me instead of the mourning, emotional me.

Questions nobody answers : Is the size of heaven larger than hell, or vice versa?

How do you know?

How, would you know?

No one knows.

Near death experiences might be lies, hallucination or just a fiction for some sick purposes to get money or famous.

What should we believe?

Proposal 1 : Heaven is larger than hell.

That means, we have more angels and halo too. Are those people all martyrs and saints before they die? Do they still have their money and landed property? Or all of the dedicated their will to the community or to those who are in need in order to be in heaven? Why isn’t it the opposite? Isn’t it more appropriate to have sinners in heaven, to be near to God, so they get educated and wash-up to be a better person in their next life? If the heaven are filled with all the good people, then why do we have so little these saint-like people in real life? Is the quantity of these goodies bags in heaven directly proportional to the bad guys in earth? Was it because of the pass-ons of all these kind people that sinners, criminals, bad people got loose on the rope?

Proposal 2 : Hell is larger than heaven.

If this is remotely true, then, do we have the Cerberus –  the three-headed dog that guards over Styx river preventing mortal souls escape back to the mortal world? That is if we have the river and soul entering. Are all the people rotting in hell? Do they get tortured with demons stucking up their forks through their lungs? Is the process of reborning in heaven or hell? If hell is larger, that means most of us are sinners as allegedly proposed – bad people go to hell. Why not good people go to hell too? So they could nurture the sinner into good-beings again. Is the bad people in hell directly proportional to the bad people in reality too? So if that’s true, this world need saving.

Ahh.

I guess, I am back.

Those are just some of questions bothering me for awhile.

I shall blog more frequently.

Enjoy the festive season and don’t be bother by such heavy and … ludicrously bore-you-out questions and theory.

Goodbye! :D